Death Wish
by The Romanticidal Edwardian
Summary: The ideas listed in this document are not to be done with the intent of annoying Edward Cullen. Do these things only if you wish to be KILLED by Edward Cullen. Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Want to annoy Edward Cullen? Well...**_**don't**_** try these. This list of ideas are done ONLY if you are**

**A) Suicidal, or**

**B) Trying to work on your 'running-faster-than-a-vamp-called-Edward-Cullen' powress.**

**Disclaimer: Do not attempt these things unless wishing to die. Do not assume you run faster than Edward Cullen without some prior certification. On the off chance that Edward Cullen does not kill you if you do any of these things about to presented, then The Romanticidal Edwardian assumes no responsibility for the miscalculation. Likewise, if certain family members disprove of your death resulted from attempting any of the ideas from the following list on the vampire known as Edward Cullen, and wish to have compensation, The Romanticidal Edwardian will not and can not be held accountable.**

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1) Sing "It's A Small World" not only IN your head, but also out LOUD. Go ahead. See what happens.

2) Go up to Bella in a store or something (while Edward is off getting something in some other part of the store) and ask her, "Hey? Are you walking to your car by yourself later? I'll just be over here watching you until you do." Who wants to guess what the first thing Bella tells Edward when he gets back is? Who wants to guess what Edward does in response? **(Hint: Read disclaimer)**

3) "Accidentally" key scratch "Jacob Black rulez!" into the side of his Volvo..."What? Oh no, Edward! Sorry, that silly key just kept dropping from my hand!...Right next to your car...a lot...at strange angles, that just _happen_ to make words...huh. Weird, right?"

4) Send Bella to strip pole classes, telling her it's classes designed to, "Improve your balance. And, of course, the skimpy clothes are just so you're not weighted down while learning!" Then send Mike to watch. Then send Edward to watch Mike watch Bella. Then run away as fast you can when he realizes you set the whole thing up.

5) Ask him - really offhandedly and daydream-like - what his and Bella's kids would look like. Then snap out of it, look around in confusion, and then laugh, saying, "Oh, that's RIGHT! YOU can never have kids with Bella!" **(Disclaimer: If Isabella Swan happens to kill you as well for this one, The Romanticidal Edward can STILL not be held liable)**

6) Write a letter to the newspaper asking them to please have the Neighborhood Watch be on guard for the pedophile that is 107 years old and likes to hit on (previously) 17 year old girls.

7) Invite yourself to the Cullen household, declare it "movie night", and pop in "The 40-Year-Old Vigin". Continue to make suggestive remarks throughout the whole movie about knowing someone who puts the 40-year-old virgin to shame.

8) Ask Bella in a loud voice, with Edward clearly in the vicinity, what she sees in a lion-sucking virgin anyway?

9) Make loud remarks near Edward all about how vampires burn in the sun. When he finally snaps and tells you that vampires do _not_ burn in the sun, they _sparkle,_ stare at him blankly for a few moments before crying out, "WHAT!? _SPARKLE_!? What the hell are you guys? The _homo_ vampires!?"

10) Ask Edward if he has any performance anxiety pertaining to his wedding night, because since you've been sneaking Bella out to go practice on Jake, you'd be only too obliged to help him practice too.

11) Announce to the entire student body at Forks High that Edward Cullen is the new official president of the "True Love Waits Club" because uh...yeah, he's pretty much the only one that still hasn't gotten any.

12) Contemplate loudly near him if you think that Bella really stopped him at the end of Eclipse from sexing her because she "wanted to wait" or because she didn't have time to prep herself to pretend that she was actually turned on by him, like usual. (Because, of course, she told you all of this)

13) Go back in time to the stand off between Edward and Jacob at the school, and when things get real silent and intense, scream, "FH! Forks High! 'Cause we know drama! Get it guys!? TNT...we know drama...yeah. Jacob Black rulez!" Then run.

14) Use 'like' after every word while talking to him.

15) Douse Bella in mountain lion blood, use the stickiness of that to cover her in white cotton balls (so she looks like a lamb), and tie her to a tree near where Edward is hunting.

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May be continued, if enough people wish it so.

**P.S. Sorry Edward! You know I love you so so so much! It's the only reason I make fun of you. Because I care ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**First 15 suggestions not enough to satisfy you? **_**Still **_**want to try to annoy Edward Cullen? Well...again, **_**don't**_** try these. This list of ideas are done ONLY if you are**

**A) Suicidal, or**

**B) Trying to work on your 'running-faster-than-a-vampire-called-Edward-Cullen' prowess.**

**The not so usual Disclaimer: Do not attempt these things unless wishing to die. Do not assume you run faster than Edward Cullen without some prior certification. On the off chance that Edward Cullen does not kill you if you do any of these things about to presented, then The Romanticidal Edwardian assumes no responsibility for the miscalculation. Likewise, if certain family members disprove of your death resulted from attempting any of the ideas from the following list on the vampire known as Edward Cullen, and wish to have compensation, The Romanticidal Edwardian will not and can not be held accountable. (All rules from last time still apply, as you can see).**

**Let the death begin!**

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16) So it's the big day; Edward's about to bite Bella to turn her into a vampire. He leans down to bite her neck...and then BLAM! You jump out from under the bed, and hiss in Edward's ear, "_Choose wisely!". _Repeat as many times as necessary.

17) If you're still alive after that, continue to choose _not_ to comment when he screams, "What the hell!? We just finished having sex...were you here for _that_ too!?"

18) Just look innocent guys...Ha! Yeah, right. You know you were under the bed the whole time during the honeymoon. Continue to tell Edward as much, and nudge him with your elbow, winking and saying loudly (Bella clearly right there), "And you said you weren't going to use that move I showed you! So much better than the porno you watched with Tanya all those years ago, right?"

19) Assure him you think his caveman-like possessiveness of Bella is _mostly_ endearing, and only slightly creepy.

20) Inform him that the whole ballet studio thing with James and Bella _wasn't_ really about killing her. James was right...the ballet studio _was _perfectly visually dynamic...for the _porno _they were making together. "Ohhhhhhhh!". That's right Eddy...little Bella ain't so virgin-rific like your little masturbation-only self anymore.

21) Ask Edward how his "little buddy" was doing when Carlisle's sexy ass lips bit into his skin. **(The Romanticidal Edwardian feels the need to inform you to not be surprised if Dr. Schmexy himself smacks your dumb ass upside the head for this one as well).**

22) Inform him that all these speculations on his orientation arising in the Twilight fan community _had_ to come from _somewhere..._Stare at him knowingly. "Any _particular_ reason Bella is pretty much having to _rape _you Edward? Hmm? Any at all?"

23) Ask him how he feels about how he turned his girlfriend into a total necrophiliac.

24) Tell him you think it's _awfully_ suspicious how easily he can "dazzle" Bella. Ask him what drugs he's slipping into her drinks, and wonder out loud what happened to that nice, _moral_ vampire we all fell in love with?

25) Inform him that Robert Pattinson (**A.K.A Spunk Ransom, though honestly guys, he **_**really**_** regrets saying that, so I'm just going to call him his real name and spare him his dignity), **totally pwns his ass, and ask him how it feels to have his actor own one up on him. (Tell him Bella agrees, RP is better, and she'd sex him faster than she'd sex you, Eddy).

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Lol, just to let you know, I don't actually believe any of these things, but I think they're funny and I hope you'll agree. Review and I'll continue!

-**The Romanticidal Edwardian**


	3. Chapter 3

26) Put Bella in an empty well and go all Silence of the Lambs on her. "Put the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again!" But if you do own a small white dog, refrain from becoming too attached to it, so Bella can't bribe her way out.

27) Design and create an extensive webpage for the Volturi. Say Edward made it when they find out.

28) Rearrange Edward's ENTIRE CD collection. Also add to his collection - no matter how much it may cost you - some bubble gum pop hits and lots of country. **(Ugh) **And remember, it's your face.

29) Get him to star as Dracula in the school play; holding Bella hostage unless he uses the Transylvania accent and wears the fake fangs. "Put some enthusiasm into it Edward, or your little girlfriend gets it!" "...What the hell!? Are you trying to be in some kind of mafia movie now?" "Listen here yous, I'm the big toe see."

30) Follow him around screeching, "BITCH you stole my cookies! I want them BACK!"

31) Get Bella to put her legs around one of Edward's pillows. Proceed to install a small camera in his room to catch him jacking off to the scent on tape. Upload it to YouTube and laugh your ass off when you get like, a million hits.

32) Proceed to also give this tape to Jasper and Emmett. 'Nuff said.

33) Follow Edward around school and whenever you see someone doing something silly, nudge him with your elbow and roll your eyes. "Freaking humans...they don't seem to realize how fragile they are, you know?" Just smile when he glares.

34) Get into a 'Yo Mamma' fight with Edward. Don't be surprised if it's one-sided, and he's just giving you little exasperated looks. When you finally get fed up with his non-cooperating ass, scream, "Well...yo mamma died of the flu!" Try not to laugh when he goes all Wedding Singer on you and says, "Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. I once thought that the love of my life was dead and was in the most excruciating pain one could ever feel...want to talk about _that _too?"

35) Shoot. His Volvo. Just do it man, just do it!

36) While he's playing his piano, walk over to him really nicely with your hands behind your back. Stand there and just smile pleasantly for a few moments while he stares at you. Then, all of a sudden, release a furious battle cry and whip out the bat from behind your back, and proceed to beat the shit out of his piano. Trust me: he'll be in too much shock to stop you.

37) Whenever Edward starts to get horny pull out a little devil action figure and a little angel action figure and put them on his shoulders, playing his shoulder guardians. "...Who the _hell_ are you, and how do you keep getting in my room!?"

38) Ask him how he's supposed to pleasure Bella if penis's are supposed to shrink when they're cold. "So THAT'S the real reason you wouldn't do her in Eclipse, eh?"

39) Buy a vibrator and leave it on his bed, pretending it's Bella's. Watch and laugh secretly from under the bed (you know, your usual place) when he confronts her about it, and she tells his sorry ass off.

40) Inform Charlie about Edward's frequent dismissal of the speed limit. Tehe.

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Review!

**- The Romanticidal Edwardian**


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